i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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