if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
