is your mom at the bar?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You took a bar mat shot.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
