Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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