I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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