I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The uberlube is also flammable
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
