i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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