I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
