Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
