She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
