There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
