I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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