I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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