A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
