at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
