i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
