you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
