If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
