I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
