when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
