I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
