when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
