He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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