idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I wish there were birth control emojis
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
