My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
