would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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