well I can't set my house on fire every night
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
