I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
