i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Randomize
