My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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