I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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