It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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