I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
