We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
