my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
