3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
