I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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