So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
