I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
