Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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