i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
