first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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