He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
