what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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