I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
