I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
