I wish I only lived at night.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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