he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
