I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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