What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
