Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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