to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
