why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
