This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
