You're earring is so big in my mouth
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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