happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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