Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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