whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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