my mouth tastes like poor choices
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
