I faked an abortion last night.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
