hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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