You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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